Dealing With Infidelity In Your Marriage- Is Surviving Possible?
When either you or your partner revealed or discovered having an affair, the marriage doesn’t have to end. There is life in marriage after infidelity.
A range of emotions is triggered upon discovery of the affair. Both of you will feel intense emotional pain ranging from shock, disbelief, shame, or fear, to anger, rage, guilt, remorse or depression. You wonder if the marriage can survive when you feel the world has collapsed under your feet. The sense of betrayal has undermined and strained the relationship. Infidelity brings about heartache and devastation like no other.
Why does it happen? Even in the happiest of relationships, affairs outside the marriage can happen. You get caught between desperate desire to save the marriage and the vow to end it. You just find the unacceptable hardly tolerable. The lies and deception has created overnight a gaping distance between you and your spouse. Knowing why it happens is crucial at this point of your marriage.
It is very important to know the reasons behind the affair. A level of acceptance that stems from understanding allows healing to begin. In most cases, a strong sexual attraction or an addiction to sex drove spouses to someone else. The act must have been on impulse while under influence of alcohol or drugs. In other cases, the unfaithful partner has been immature to get enough or to contribute enough to the relationship. Whatever is put into restoring it is pointless, if interaction and communication with the lover continue. The affair must end if the marriage has to be saved.
Infidelity does not find the resolution in divorce. Avoiding divorce, you need to put the affair into proper perspective where the underlying problems may be explored. You need to understand how such marriage can be rebuilt. It can really survive infidelity. The goal of rebuilding the relationship and saving the marriage has to be mutual. You must have the will to go through the difficult process of recovering. To survive an affair demands taking one step at a time. The ways to rebuild and strengthen the relationship have to be learned. A stronger and more honest one may just emerge from infidelity. I must thank Frank Gunzburg again for his amazing guide to surviving infidelity .
With counseling, some important points have to be considered consider when you mend a relationship.
Take time to allow each other to understand and heal. Either of you can be accusatory or destructive when you delve into details quickly. You can also become overly anxious to put all of it behind you, without having absorbed the situation. After the initial shock, a constructive conversation can ensue where you can discuss openly and honestly.
Give each other the needed space and break. When emotions run high, taking a timeout is most advisable, though difficult. The emotional devastation the affair brings takes time to heal.
Do the hardest part of forgiving your unfaithful spouse. Forgiveness can become easier over time especially if it is not used to simply cover uncomfortable issues. Real forgiving may be a lifelong process.
Restore trust and recommit to your future. Being non-committal further erodes your relationship. It is important to realize that saving the marriage will take time, energy and above all, commitment.
Get support from persons you trust and feel comfortable with. You can talk about your feelings with good listeners among family, friends and counselor. You can be clarified of your feelings by the objective support they extend. The help you sought together from a counselor through marital therapy confirms the commitment that can make you and your marriage stronger than ever before.
You can move on after the infidelity. The crisis of hurtful unfaithfulness ends when both of you commits yourselves to making marriage after infidelity truly stronger than ever before.
Ashley Kate is the publisher of Better Marriage website. The site offers information on Marriage Seminars.